March Comes In Like A Lion, and Out Like A Rabid Lion

This is the last day in March. April not only begins the change in the weather, but hopefully a big change in our lives. I know I have said that before. Numerous times, countless really. This will mark the end of the 3rd year my husband has stalled us having children. We should celebrate! Champagne! Sadly, I know what is coming even as I pull the flutes from the china cabinet. He is going for a 4th year. We haven't spoken of it yet, but it is there churning under the surface happiness.




After each deadline, I bring up the issue. It doesn't matter how I approach it. His hackles raise and he starts growling. If I knew any better, he would rather see me leave than have his children. But I know better, and he loves me, and doesn't want me to leave. But at the same time, he doesn't want me to have his children, yet. But the further he puts me off, the bigger the void in my heart gets. I want children. I have dreamed of it as long as I can remember. I have come close twice at least in my life, but for two very different reasons, I let my chances slip away. One of those chances was for my husband. Now that I have let us both put this off, it is becoming a battle of wills.



Who has the biggest argument? Who has more sense? That is a bad argument waiting to happen. We have been there. I want to stay far far away from that path. But it seems as if this is it to me. I have to have a limit, and I am getting older by the minute. In October I start my 30th year of living. He could care less, but to me it is the end of my youthful 20's and the beginning of my child rearing years. When my child is 10, I will be 40, when my child is 20 I will be 50, when my child is 30, I will be 60! He is even worse off than I am, he will be 37 this year. So our 30 year old child will have to worry about putting his dad in a nursing home? But he doesn't see that. He sees his freedom taken away. He sees the never ending life changes and the financial burdens that come with children.



So now, we are at the end of our last deadline. I have already started the process, with a simple questions between us. He has the ball right now, let's see what he does with it.