I don't think our first therapy session can come soon enough. I want this to work so badly. I want us to work so badly, but I am not happy right now. I am sure he knows that I am not happy, but it is an unsaid screen between us. I am not sure if this adventure to therapy will help us any, but if this weekend was any indication of our less than happy situation, I will be willing to walk on hot coals and broken glass to prevent more times like this.
I am not sure what is going through my husband's mind at this time, but I can say from my point of view, that I am nervous as hell that we will go into that office and come out with the knowledge that we should walk away from each other. The last thing I want to do is to end our 8 years. But I also do not want to give up my chance at having children. I have given him 8 years of my life, and plan to give him however many more I have left.
I read a very scary statistic today that really brings it all home for me. 35% of women diagnosed with cervical cancer will have a recurrence of the disease. This is a very unhappy thing for me to think about. If I am diagnosed with cervical cancer again, my chance at having kids goes right out the window. They take out my entire reproductive system. If they leave my ovaries, which they most likely won't, the only way I would have a child is via surrogate. I lose the experience of being pregnant, which just isn't acceptable.
But while that outlook looks grim, I don't want that to be the reason that Steven wants children. I want him to say, "I can't wait to be a father, please have a baby and make me a complete man." Then I say "Yes, of course!" He carries me to the bedroom. After the most beautiful love making, I look up and declare "I am with child!" Then I wake up, and laugh at my imagination, because I have been reading too many romance novels.
When I post tomorrow about therapy, I really hope my attitude will be better. It is not fun to wake up next to the man you love and force yourself to kiss him hello and goodbye. I am mad, and hurt, no amount of good morning kisses will fix that. Especially since I see babies and baby related items where ever I go. I go to sleep holding a baby in my imagination, and I wake up hoping some day soon, it won't be a dream.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Revelations and Questions
Am I being ruled by hormones? I know the answer. You don’t have to tell me. It was a rhetorical question. Is it normal? My studies on the web say yes. Numerous women are in the same boat I am. We are over run by emotions, and not one of us has it totally under control. I think that is what some men do not understand. (my husband included) He likes to look at everything from a scientific standpoint, so maybe that is how I will get through to him.
But statistics and sheer numbers alone will not do. No, I will need graphical models, DNA sequences, the properties of the specific hormones, and how they affect my body. Basically, I need an anatomy class. Then as clinically as I can, I need to explain that my body’s will to have children is something embedded into my DNA and not just some fantasy I have whipped up in my head.
To be completely realistic, it is hormones and my imagination. I want a family for both reasons. I know that it is my human right to have children, and I also know that it will be wonderful. I don’t live in perfect land either. I am scared out of my mind that I will end up being a bad mother. I know it is a challenge to raise children, and a financial burden too. Our life is almost perfect. We have a loving relationship, a nice house, two solid incomes, and supportive family. That is 80% more than many parents provide for their children.
But the biggest issue yet, is to prove that a child would not destroy everything we have done for our lives so far. Yes we have bills, yes we need a new roof, but all of that is necessary. It will always be that way. What he asks for is not financial peace of mind, because unless we sell our home we will have none. A house takes constant maintenance. If we replace the roof this year, then something else will come up next. The air conditioner will need to be replaced, the stove will go out, the fridge will give out.
These are unavoidable events that you keep money aside for. Just as fast as our savings goes up, it will go down. We will always have bills as we do now. One thing or another. But he sees the roof caving in right now. He sees us eating hot dogs for the rest of our lives unless we can pay off a car right now. It will ruin us in his eyes. He doesn’t say as much, but I know it from the picture he paints.
That is why I want to see a therapist with him. Maybe we can both get over our fears. My fear of not being able to have children if we wait much longer, and his fear of losing our carefully built lives. I will be disappointed if the therapist chooses a side to argue from instead of both. That is my biggest fear. I especially do not want my husband to feel ganged up on. That is one of the main reasons I chose a male doctor instead of a female. It is all about his comfort. I want us to work, and I want to have children sooner than later.
But statistics and sheer numbers alone will not do. No, I will need graphical models, DNA sequences, the properties of the specific hormones, and how they affect my body. Basically, I need an anatomy class. Then as clinically as I can, I need to explain that my body’s will to have children is something embedded into my DNA and not just some fantasy I have whipped up in my head.
To be completely realistic, it is hormones and my imagination. I want a family for both reasons. I know that it is my human right to have children, and I also know that it will be wonderful. I don’t live in perfect land either. I am scared out of my mind that I will end up being a bad mother. I know it is a challenge to raise children, and a financial burden too. Our life is almost perfect. We have a loving relationship, a nice house, two solid incomes, and supportive family. That is 80% more than many parents provide for their children.
But the biggest issue yet, is to prove that a child would not destroy everything we have done for our lives so far. Yes we have bills, yes we need a new roof, but all of that is necessary. It will always be that way. What he asks for is not financial peace of mind, because unless we sell our home we will have none. A house takes constant maintenance. If we replace the roof this year, then something else will come up next. The air conditioner will need to be replaced, the stove will go out, the fridge will give out.
These are unavoidable events that you keep money aside for. Just as fast as our savings goes up, it will go down. We will always have bills as we do now. One thing or another. But he sees the roof caving in right now. He sees us eating hot dogs for the rest of our lives unless we can pay off a car right now. It will ruin us in his eyes. He doesn’t say as much, but I know it from the picture he paints.
That is why I want to see a therapist with him. Maybe we can both get over our fears. My fear of not being able to have children if we wait much longer, and his fear of losing our carefully built lives. I will be disappointed if the therapist chooses a side to argue from instead of both. That is my biggest fear. I especially do not want my husband to feel ganged up on. That is one of the main reasons I chose a male doctor instead of a female. It is all about his comfort. I want us to work, and I want to have children sooner than later.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday Blues
Monday's suck. I hate that just yesterday I was taking a nap at 1pm, and finally getting a shower by 3 pm. I am LAZY, and I love it mostly. I used to get up on the weekends, and have drive to do something, I certainly don't have that now. I come home, force myself to cook dinner, maybe do a load of laundry, and read until I am cross-eyed. What I am waiting for however is the chance to have one of my best friends back in my day to day life, my sister. We keep each other entertained. If we aren't cooking something, then I am dragging her into a craft project, or we are shopping. These are things a woman needs often. My two best friends left town, and all I had was my Kindle and my Husband. Now that one is coming home, I am so excited. I can finally have a LIFE again!
It is not that I don't enjoy my husband, but maybe I will appreciate him more if we had some time away from each other. I really don't have anyone except my sister and my long time best friend Leslie. Everyone else has fallen by the wayside for one reason or another. Friends come in and out of your life for one purpose or another. I have had my share of really good friends, mostly from work, that have drifted off my radar due to life and its usual issues. Our family is closer to us than anyone. I don't mind it at all. My sister has all my dirty awful secrets, and I trust her with them, because she can trust me with hers. That is just what we do. Leslie is no exception.
But with the two people I share my "girl time" with only in town for a little while, and them having to split their time evenly amongst others, I don't get the quality time that is necessary. I don’t give them hell about it. I know it isn’t something they could control, but it seems like the short time we have is never enough.
It is not that I don't enjoy my husband, but maybe I will appreciate him more if we had some time away from each other. I really don't have anyone except my sister and my long time best friend Leslie. Everyone else has fallen by the wayside for one reason or another. Friends come in and out of your life for one purpose or another. I have had my share of really good friends, mostly from work, that have drifted off my radar due to life and its usual issues. Our family is closer to us than anyone. I don't mind it at all. My sister has all my dirty awful secrets, and I trust her with them, because she can trust me with hers. That is just what we do. Leslie is no exception.
But with the two people I share my "girl time" with only in town for a little while, and them having to split their time evenly amongst others, I don't get the quality time that is necessary. I don’t give them hell about it. I know it isn’t something they could control, but it seems like the short time we have is never enough.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Therapy Tuesdays?
Boy, did I call it or did I call it? The second I mentioned having a baby this past weekend, he went into I-don't-think-so mode. It doesn't matter what he promises, or how often, he is just telling me what I want to hear. When the fight started, my claws came out. I was ready to shred him to pieces, and say what has been on my tongue. I tell him that I was beginning to think that he is not the person I will be fulfilling my dream with. I don't want it to be the truth. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But every time we argue over this, his conditions get harder to fulfill. First we started with a new roof and $2,000 in the bank. Now we are up to paying off and or giving up a car, buying baby furniture and getting rid of his IRS bill.
Next argument will be we either have to sell our home, or start working 3 jobs a piece. Do you see where this is going? I sure do. He is suggesting that we can't live like we are now, and have a baby. He went as far to say that we would be jeopardizing what we had. I can't control the way I feel. I know he can't control the way he feels. I suggested therapy, and he agreed because he feels maybe it can help me control my need to have children. He was trying to figure out a way to get closer to him feeling comfortable with having children. But his "thinking" lead to a new roof, and paying off prior debts. The problem with this issue, is that we make plenty of money. So much money, in fact that the IRS eats our lunch each year for it.
So where do we stand since no one was backing down, yet again? This time I suggested therapy. I do not want to lose my marriage, but it seems as that could be very likely if we do not get some help. If we cannot work this out, and our marriage ends, at least we did everything we could. As it is, I already resent him for making me go through all of this, but if I get pregnant now, even by accident, it may just drive the final stake in our proverbial hearts. He feels like I do not listen to him, and his worries over money should be enough for me to relax until he feels ready. I feel like he does not listen to me and my worries over waiting too long and never having the chance again should mean something to him. After all, I am the one he is asking to wait. I am the one he is asking to put my life on hold, so he can get a firmer grip on his.
I also have to make a correction. When I confronted him about the 6 months being up, I told him he would promise that we could try. He said "Yea, I guess so." Which, I could have taken at face value, and run to the hills with it. But no. It was the answer I wanted to hear, and it was leading me down dark and dangerous paths. I knew that such a flagrant disregard of the truth would be our undoing. That he even tempted with it frustrated me to tears. I want this more than anything. I want to have children, but I will not settle for someone who basically gave me sperm donation to shut up. If I wanted just a child, I would have left long ago. I stay because I want to make my family with him, I want him to be the father of my children, and the love of my life.
So, to spare ourselves from going round the same old pattern of fight, cry, makeup, and make a false finish line. I suggested therapy, and he was open to it. So I made the appointment, and he seems receptive at the moment. Actually he said 'very well'. Very well indeed. Let's hope we will be willing to keep going to therapy, and not handle this on our own again. I don't want a who is right or wrong verdict, but I do need Steve to understand me, and not just his point of view. I am sure even though I understand his fear, especially since I am the one who does our finances, that I could use some insight into his point.
Next argument will be we either have to sell our home, or start working 3 jobs a piece. Do you see where this is going? I sure do. He is suggesting that we can't live like we are now, and have a baby. He went as far to say that we would be jeopardizing what we had. I can't control the way I feel. I know he can't control the way he feels. I suggested therapy, and he agreed because he feels maybe it can help me control my need to have children. He was trying to figure out a way to get closer to him feeling comfortable with having children. But his "thinking" lead to a new roof, and paying off prior debts. The problem with this issue, is that we make plenty of money. So much money, in fact that the IRS eats our lunch each year for it.
So where do we stand since no one was backing down, yet again? This time I suggested therapy. I do not want to lose my marriage, but it seems as that could be very likely if we do not get some help. If we cannot work this out, and our marriage ends, at least we did everything we could. As it is, I already resent him for making me go through all of this, but if I get pregnant now, even by accident, it may just drive the final stake in our proverbial hearts. He feels like I do not listen to him, and his worries over money should be enough for me to relax until he feels ready. I feel like he does not listen to me and my worries over waiting too long and never having the chance again should mean something to him. After all, I am the one he is asking to wait. I am the one he is asking to put my life on hold, so he can get a firmer grip on his.
I also have to make a correction. When I confronted him about the 6 months being up, I told him he would promise that we could try. He said "Yea, I guess so." Which, I could have taken at face value, and run to the hills with it. But no. It was the answer I wanted to hear, and it was leading me down dark and dangerous paths. I knew that such a flagrant disregard of the truth would be our undoing. That he even tempted with it frustrated me to tears. I want this more than anything. I want to have children, but I will not settle for someone who basically gave me sperm donation to shut up. If I wanted just a child, I would have left long ago. I stay because I want to make my family with him, I want him to be the father of my children, and the love of my life.
So, to spare ourselves from going round the same old pattern of fight, cry, makeup, and make a false finish line. I suggested therapy, and he was open to it. So I made the appointment, and he seems receptive at the moment. Actually he said 'very well'. Very well indeed. Let's hope we will be willing to keep going to therapy, and not handle this on our own again. I don't want a who is right or wrong verdict, but I do need Steve to understand me, and not just his point of view. I am sure even though I understand his fear, especially since I am the one who does our finances, that I could use some insight into his point.
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