Boy, did I call it or did I call it? The second I mentioned having a baby this past weekend, he went into I-don't-think-so mode. It doesn't matter what he promises, or how often, he is just telling me what I want to hear. When the fight started, my claws came out. I was ready to shred him to pieces, and say what has been on my tongue. I tell him that I was beginning to think that he is not the person I will be fulfilling my dream with. I don't want it to be the truth. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But every time we argue over this, his conditions get harder to fulfill. First we started with a new roof and $2,000 in the bank. Now we are up to paying off and or giving up a car, buying baby furniture and getting rid of his IRS bill.
Next argument will be we either have to sell our home, or start working 3 jobs a piece. Do you see where this is going? I sure do. He is suggesting that we can't live like we are now, and have a baby. He went as far to say that we would be jeopardizing what we had. I can't control the way I feel. I know he can't control the way he feels. I suggested therapy, and he agreed because he feels maybe it can help me control my need to have children. He was trying to figure out a way to get closer to him feeling comfortable with having children. But his "thinking" lead to a new roof, and paying off prior debts. The problem with this issue, is that we make plenty of money. So much money, in fact that the IRS eats our lunch each year for it.
So where do we stand since no one was backing down, yet again? This time I suggested therapy. I do not want to lose my marriage, but it seems as that could be very likely if we do not get some help. If we cannot work this out, and our marriage ends, at least we did everything we could. As it is, I already resent him for making me go through all of this, but if I get pregnant now, even by accident, it may just drive the final stake in our proverbial hearts. He feels like I do not listen to him, and his worries over money should be enough for me to relax until he feels ready. I feel like he does not listen to me and my worries over waiting too long and never having the chance again should mean something to him. After all, I am the one he is asking to wait. I am the one he is asking to put my life on hold, so he can get a firmer grip on his.
I also have to make a correction. When I confronted him about the 6 months being up, I told him he would promise that we could try. He said "Yea, I guess so." Which, I could have taken at face value, and run to the hills with it. But no. It was the answer I wanted to hear, and it was leading me down dark and dangerous paths. I knew that such a flagrant disregard of the truth would be our undoing. That he even tempted with it frustrated me to tears. I want this more than anything. I want to have children, but I will not settle for someone who basically gave me sperm donation to shut up. If I wanted just a child, I would have left long ago. I stay because I want to make my family with him, I want him to be the father of my children, and the love of my life.
So, to spare ourselves from going round the same old pattern of fight, cry, makeup, and make a false finish line. I suggested therapy, and he was open to it. So I made the appointment, and he seems receptive at the moment. Actually he said 'very well'. Very well indeed. Let's hope we will be willing to keep going to therapy, and not handle this on our own again. I don't want a who is right or wrong verdict, but I do need Steve to understand me, and not just his point of view. I am sure even though I understand his fear, especially since I am the one who does our finances, that I could use some insight into his point.
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