Today is the first day of "cool" weather for this fall. It makes me want to quit my job because there are no windows to open and let the fresh air in. There is no sunshine in here to speak of, and I feel like a trapped bird. When it is hot as the 7th circle of hell, I could care less, when it is bitterly cold, they can keep the outside. Nope don't want it. But on a day like to today when it is dry, cool, and just perfect, well it should be against the law to be at work. There needs to be mandantory optional outdoor desks available for every employee. I know, I live in fantasy land with my unicorns.
This time of year is my favorite. The insane birthday/holiday season is about to kick off with my birthday next week. It is a domino effect from then. We have 4 major birthdays, the 4 biggest holidays of the year to contend with, and at least 1 minor holiday. IT. NEVER. ENDS. 5 months of parties, food, and presents. By Christmas day I am so flippin tired of food, cooking, money spending, and rushing around, I am ready to colapse. We get to catch our breath for a couple of weeks after new years eve, and then the last two major birthdays until June. After Feb 17th, I take an exsausted, and happy sigh.
We are a busy family. We love to enjoy each other's company, and I wouldn't miss our 5 months of chaos. I was hoping to add to that chaos with our own little addition, but it seems that we don't get that privlege yet. It would have been nice to be pregnant before thirty, but I really don't have a choice any more. I guess I just hate feeling like the years are slipping through my fingers. I do know that if I ever do get pregnant and have a baby, that child will be worth all the waiting.
Anyways.... Cheers to the first day of cool weather this fall, and cheers to The Party Gauntlet that kicks off Oct 7th!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Puppypalooza, and Preventing Workplace Violence
Well I finally did it. I went and bought a puppy! (3 weeks ago)----Hits Forehead---- What was I thinking?! He is adorable! He is needy. He is sweet! He is vicious. He is not potty trained, completely. He has separation anxiety. My husband like him well enough. Having a puppy is a challenge, but I think he is going to be a great part of our family. He is already the reason I smoke less. I am also off the computer at night too. He has me outside and walking. But he also doesn't leave me alone, unless he is chasing a cat. Then he comes right back. I can't pee alone, I can't eat, I can't even shower. He cries like I am killing him. I know the work will be worth it one of these days. If I do this right, he will be a great dog! The hard part is doing it right....
I've spent my last 21 days going out side at least once every hour while I am home. I clean up messes, and accidents... But my biggest issue is not having enough time to do everything at once. I can't really keep an eye on the dog, and cook dinner, and clean at the same time. My husband doesn't lift a finger, except to eat. That is pretty annoying. If this is a preview of how life will be with a baby? UGH. Thankfully, a baby can be put down in a crib and left alone for a couple minutes. Puppy on the other hand can't be set down without me worrying about him running off and peeing in a dork corner. Or chewing on a cord. Now sure, a toddler will have those issues too, but I can use a play pen. The puppy SCREAMS when he is in his cage. Good lord. I can't listen to that.
Not to mention he has had more than a couple of accidents in bed with us at night. That, I cannot abide by. So the poor thing sleeps in a cage on my nightstand, and then is confined to a larger cage during the day. But I know if I do this right Hans will be so worth it. It is hard to stay vigilant, but I must. It is also hard to keep myself from wanting to jump off the Harbor Bridge in the morning. After I leave my screaming puppy behind, I head to the place that harbors a person that brings the down right mean and ugly in me.
I am not typically a mean person. I'm not saying it isn't hard for me to write you off, because some people have a knack for picking that one spot that makes you just want to kick them "This is SPARTA" style into a pit (with spikes at the bottom). I try my best to listen to everyone, and give them a chance to make their first impression. There is one person who really has all the personality points that make me foam at the mouth with dislike. Try as I do to find the good in her, it is damn near impossible. I'm sure there is a few granules of goodness left in her, but where? The hardest part is that she is in my every day life, not just on the sidelines. It is enough to drive you freaking batty. So I try to keep my cattiness down to a dull roar, but every once in a while I have a flare up. Not so much a fight, as much as it I have to tell her to back off, or shut up in the nicest way possible.
At times that is not enough, but I know I need my job for now, and blowing up at my aggressors won't get me any points with the management. Unless we win the lottery, or I start that bakery, or I find a new job, I am stuck here. When I finally get home to puppyface (Hans) and my hubby, I feel better, if only for a few hours.
I've spent my last 21 days going out side at least once every hour while I am home. I clean up messes, and accidents... But my biggest issue is not having enough time to do everything at once. I can't really keep an eye on the dog, and cook dinner, and clean at the same time. My husband doesn't lift a finger, except to eat. That is pretty annoying. If this is a preview of how life will be with a baby? UGH. Thankfully, a baby can be put down in a crib and left alone for a couple minutes. Puppy on the other hand can't be set down without me worrying about him running off and peeing in a dork corner. Or chewing on a cord. Now sure, a toddler will have those issues too, but I can use a play pen. The puppy SCREAMS when he is in his cage. Good lord. I can't listen to that.
Not to mention he has had more than a couple of accidents in bed with us at night. That, I cannot abide by. So the poor thing sleeps in a cage on my nightstand, and then is confined to a larger cage during the day. But I know if I do this right Hans will be so worth it. It is hard to stay vigilant, but I must. It is also hard to keep myself from wanting to jump off the Harbor Bridge in the morning. After I leave my screaming puppy behind, I head to the place that harbors a person that brings the down right mean and ugly in me.
I am not typically a mean person. I'm not saying it isn't hard for me to write you off, because some people have a knack for picking that one spot that makes you just want to kick them "This is SPARTA" style into a pit (with spikes at the bottom). I try my best to listen to everyone, and give them a chance to make their first impression. There is one person who really has all the personality points that make me foam at the mouth with dislike. Try as I do to find the good in her, it is damn near impossible. I'm sure there is a few granules of goodness left in her, but where? The hardest part is that she is in my every day life, not just on the sidelines. It is enough to drive you freaking batty. So I try to keep my cattiness down to a dull roar, but every once in a while I have a flare up. Not so much a fight, as much as it I have to tell her to back off, or shut up in the nicest way possible.
At times that is not enough, but I know I need my job for now, and blowing up at my aggressors won't get me any points with the management. Unless we win the lottery, or I start that bakery, or I find a new job, I am stuck here. When I finally get home to puppyface (Hans) and my hubby, I feel better, if only for a few hours.
Monday, July 19, 2010
There, But For the Grace of "God", Go I.
Saturday night, I had a rare chance to hang out with a few of the people I shared some of my most influential times with. First of all, I was right about Steve not liking any of my old friends. But their status or personalities have nothing to do with that. It was plain old jealousy. When my husband realized that one of the guys attending was the first boy I had ever fallen in love with? Eh, lets just say, he was less than enthusiastic. I am just glad he didn't figure it out till we left the party. Not that he would say anything, but lord knows, it would have been a fight. Every smile would have been measured, every look, hug, laugh would have been calculated as out of line and inappropriate.
It is not as if we were touchy feely all night. But we shared memories, and many laughs. It was something that I thought would never happen. This guy and I have a very painful event that we shared. I don't think you ever forget getting pregnant at 16 by your boyfriend who was 15, and the life changing effects of an abortion your mother forced upon you. It was a wretched, and ugly time in my life. Bailey was my first true love, and the father of that pregnancy. It must have happened the very first time we had sex. It irrevocably changed us.
We were too young to know how to deal with it emotionally, and not long after that we broke up. We remained sometimes friends through out high school. We had the same circle of friends some of the time as well. It has been since High school, that we have talked to each other. The last time being the day we got our GED's. He took the test the same day I did. Just a coincidence, but maybe not. A year after that, I invited Bailey and his family to a party to celebrate my first wedding. I still don't know why I did that.
But after all these years, we briefly spoke of the event that altered the course of our lives. It sealed a bit of the wound that had been left. We both acknowledged that we thought we would have kids by now, and that maybe that chance all those years ago, would have been our only one. I was shocked to hear that from him. I had to confess I felt exactly the same way. I told him it sucked, and it was hard, but I am the way I am today, in part, because of that event. I am okay with it. He gave me a huge hug, and just like that I felt a bit lighter. I think maybe I needed him to know, I wasn't angry. Maybe he needed to know too.
The rest of the evening, we laughed at our own teenage antics, and parted with hugs all around. My husband stood off to the side, let me have my fun, and I made sure to show him that he was my one and only. however great it was to take a jog down memory lane, and do a little unexpected therapy, I have to recognise I am more than thankful for my life. I love my husband, and my family. We work hard, and have nice things. My old friends? Well they will be just fine. But I can't help but say to my self, "There, but for the grace of "god", go I. I could be a recovering addict, or alcoholic, or be in an abusive marriage, or lost in the world. I didn't go down that path, but is was right there in front of me. I have a feeling I was closer to going down the wrong path than I can imagine.
It is not as if we were touchy feely all night. But we shared memories, and many laughs. It was something that I thought would never happen. This guy and I have a very painful event that we shared. I don't think you ever forget getting pregnant at 16 by your boyfriend who was 15, and the life changing effects of an abortion your mother forced upon you. It was a wretched, and ugly time in my life. Bailey was my first true love, and the father of that pregnancy. It must have happened the very first time we had sex. It irrevocably changed us.
We were too young to know how to deal with it emotionally, and not long after that we broke up. We remained sometimes friends through out high school. We had the same circle of friends some of the time as well. It has been since High school, that we have talked to each other. The last time being the day we got our GED's. He took the test the same day I did. Just a coincidence, but maybe not. A year after that, I invited Bailey and his family to a party to celebrate my first wedding. I still don't know why I did that.
But after all these years, we briefly spoke of the event that altered the course of our lives. It sealed a bit of the wound that had been left. We both acknowledged that we thought we would have kids by now, and that maybe that chance all those years ago, would have been our only one. I was shocked to hear that from him. I had to confess I felt exactly the same way. I told him it sucked, and it was hard, but I am the way I am today, in part, because of that event. I am okay with it. He gave me a huge hug, and just like that I felt a bit lighter. I think maybe I needed him to know, I wasn't angry. Maybe he needed to know too.
The rest of the evening, we laughed at our own teenage antics, and parted with hugs all around. My husband stood off to the side, let me have my fun, and I made sure to show him that he was my one and only. however great it was to take a jog down memory lane, and do a little unexpected therapy, I have to recognise I am more than thankful for my life. I love my husband, and my family. We work hard, and have nice things. My old friends? Well they will be just fine. But I can't help but say to my self, "There, but for the grace of "god", go I. I could be a recovering addict, or alcoholic, or be in an abusive marriage, or lost in the world. I didn't go down that path, but is was right there in front of me. I have a feeling I was closer to going down the wrong path than I can imagine.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
TMI, FUBAR, ASAP
Well, I tried. I am pretty sure the BIC (Bitch In Charge), Aunt Flow is on her way. Today is CD 26 12 DPO. I could have been testing today. But noooo. My uterus said she wasn't ready for visitors, and is currently cleaning house. We will try again next cycle, but I really had high hopes this time. Not only did I get that funny feeling, my body sent me all kinds of mixed signals. Almost like when you are at a bar and you look up to see prince charming staring at you like he found his princess. You get all excited at the thought that this hot guy has singled you out. He smiles, you smile, he waves, you wave. You see him get up and walk toward you, and you start thinking of what he will say, what you will say. He finally makes his way over and walks right past you to the tall blonde standing behind you. Now you feel dumb for thinking he was looking at you, and especially hateful towards the lucky woman.
That about sums me up. I feel like a mo-mo because I thought this was it. Now I didn't go running around telling the world that I was with child. That is total idiot suicide. No, I just sat here and convinced myself that this was it. It was my turn. No one in the family was pregnant, no friends are expecting. I could keep this time to myself, be excited with everyone, and have my baby in my arms in 9 months or so. Oh woe is me. I guess I am just being hormonal about it now.
I would feel better if I didn't feel different this time. That would actually make sense. But I guess the Clomid is making it 10 times more confusing. I have had cramps, on and off, not breaking out much, none of my typical cravings. I haven't even begged for chocolate once! Other wise, the symptoms that I have associated with the impending doom are here. I have had small streaks of blood in my wipes. I have had blood in my CM. I have even had sex twice, and that usually does the trick for me. But it refuses to flow. I just want it to come out so I can restart the timer. Maybe I'll try jumping jacks at lunch.
So with another failed cycle under my belt, I have a license to drink my arse off this weekend. Not to self medicate, and I am not at the stage that I want to be numb (yet), I just want to pretend like I am in my 20's and not worried about much but having a good time. I also know I have no desire to be falling down drunk. Lord knows I do not need to wake up on Sunday morning with a what-the-hell-did-I-do-? hangover. Saturday night I will be attending my 11 year reunion. Why 11 years? Because as usual, the slacker that I am, and the majority of my friends in HS did not attend our 10 year reunion. So when we got to talking over old school pictures, we decided that screw it, we will throw our own reunion!
Of course it will be at a bar, and of course there will be drama, and awkward introductions. I can't wait for my husband to meet the people that made up my high school life. I will feel like I am introducing my husband to the past version of myself in a way. He will dislike almost everyone. I expect it. It should be interesting.
That about sums me up. I feel like a mo-mo because I thought this was it. Now I didn't go running around telling the world that I was with child. That is total idiot suicide. No, I just sat here and convinced myself that this was it. It was my turn. No one in the family was pregnant, no friends are expecting. I could keep this time to myself, be excited with everyone, and have my baby in my arms in 9 months or so. Oh woe is me. I guess I am just being hormonal about it now.
I would feel better if I didn't feel different this time. That would actually make sense. But I guess the Clomid is making it 10 times more confusing. I have had cramps, on and off, not breaking out much, none of my typical cravings. I haven't even begged for chocolate once! Other wise, the symptoms that I have associated with the impending doom are here. I have had small streaks of blood in my wipes. I have had blood in my CM. I have even had sex twice, and that usually does the trick for me. But it refuses to flow. I just want it to come out so I can restart the timer. Maybe I'll try jumping jacks at lunch.
So with another failed cycle under my belt, I have a license to drink my arse off this weekend. Not to self medicate, and I am not at the stage that I want to be numb (yet), I just want to pretend like I am in my 20's and not worried about much but having a good time. I also know I have no desire to be falling down drunk. Lord knows I do not need to wake up on Sunday morning with a what-the-hell-did-I-do-? hangover. Saturday night I will be attending my 11 year reunion. Why 11 years? Because as usual, the slacker that I am, and the majority of my friends in HS did not attend our 10 year reunion. So when we got to talking over old school pictures, we decided that screw it, we will throw our own reunion!
Of course it will be at a bar, and of course there will be drama, and awkward introductions. I can't wait for my husband to meet the people that made up my high school life. I will feel like I am introducing my husband to the past version of myself in a way. He will dislike almost everyone. I expect it. It should be interesting.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
CD 18 4 DPO FTW
I ovulated! We-Hew! Now the really crappy waiting part begins. We were very busy this weekend what with all the friends, family activities, and the people in town. Not to mention we had to do cooking, yard work, and the mattress mambo... It was hard to keep up with all of it, and my head is still spinning. It was fun, and I guess that is all one could ask for. Oh yea, and a positive pregnancy test in about a week, and a happy and healthy 9 months. Yea, those too please!
I am unbelievably worn out from the weekend, and only wish to read my books in peace. But I told myself I would clean the floors tonight. I must do at least that. I will try my hardest to accomplish one cleaning task a day. Hopefully my strategy will work. That, and I need to cook at home more. I have been pretty lax about it, and it is showing on my waist line.
I am trying not to obsess over possibly being pregnant right now. Lord knows I want to call all of my girlfriends right now and speculate with them. But I refrain. I need to keep my emotions clamped down. Because I know 4 days past ovulation will give me nothing but a negative test. Even if I did get a positive right now, by some miracle, I have a great chance of having a chemical pregnancy. Why would I want to put myself on that high, just to crash through the floor? I don't, and I won't. I will wait. Impatiently of course.
But in the back of my mind, I am chanting "This is it! THIS IS IT!" I guess because of the Clomid, the OPK's, and the PreSeed, I am almost expecting the results to fall in my favor. But everyone knows Mother Nature has plans that are not my own. But I am still thinking of creative ways to tell my parents, my sister, and my husband. But I will think of some brilliant idea that will go out the window the minute I see them because lord knows I will be a bundle of nerves, and excitement. I will be crying alot.
I have also been thinking about how to announce it to the rest of the world, and who will get the news first beyond my husband and I. My sister, sister in law, both mothers, and of course my dad. My best friend, his best friend. Various cousins and friends... Oh my. Well I believe I may want to be selfish for a couple of days. I want to absorb it, and keep it to myself, to enjoy. Of course Steve might ask whats up when I refuse to smoke. I am pretty sure that once I see that positive test in my hands, I will go into emotional over load and my need to calm myself. Or I will lose my mind and run out and buy a crib and all the stuff to decorate a baby's room! Gah! The craziness I see myself doing is endless.
I just need to calm myself, and not get my hopes too high. That is pretty darn tough, but I think I can manage it. I just need to distract my self. Maybe if I plan it right, I will have a very clean house by the time I get to testing day! My house sure could use it!
I am unbelievably worn out from the weekend, and only wish to read my books in peace. But I told myself I would clean the floors tonight. I must do at least that. I will try my hardest to accomplish one cleaning task a day. Hopefully my strategy will work. That, and I need to cook at home more. I have been pretty lax about it, and it is showing on my waist line.
I am trying not to obsess over possibly being pregnant right now. Lord knows I want to call all of my girlfriends right now and speculate with them. But I refrain. I need to keep my emotions clamped down. Because I know 4 days past ovulation will give me nothing but a negative test. Even if I did get a positive right now, by some miracle, I have a great chance of having a chemical pregnancy. Why would I want to put myself on that high, just to crash through the floor? I don't, and I won't. I will wait. Impatiently of course.
But in the back of my mind, I am chanting "This is it! THIS IS IT!" I guess because of the Clomid, the OPK's, and the PreSeed, I am almost expecting the results to fall in my favor. But everyone knows Mother Nature has plans that are not my own. But I am still thinking of creative ways to tell my parents, my sister, and my husband. But I will think of some brilliant idea that will go out the window the minute I see them because lord knows I will be a bundle of nerves, and excitement. I will be crying alot.
I have also been thinking about how to announce it to the rest of the world, and who will get the news first beyond my husband and I. My sister, sister in law, both mothers, and of course my dad. My best friend, his best friend. Various cousins and friends... Oh my. Well I believe I may want to be selfish for a couple of days. I want to absorb it, and keep it to myself, to enjoy. Of course Steve might ask whats up when I refuse to smoke. I am pretty sure that once I see that positive test in my hands, I will go into emotional over load and my need to calm myself. Or I will lose my mind and run out and buy a crib and all the stuff to decorate a baby's room! Gah! The craziness I see myself doing is endless.
I just need to calm myself, and not get my hopes too high. That is pretty darn tough, but I think I can manage it. I just need to distract my self. Maybe if I plan it right, I will have a very clean house by the time I get to testing day! My house sure could use it!
Monday, June 28, 2010
A Letter To My Ovaries
Dear Ovaries,
You and I have had a close relationship over the years. Without you, I couldn’t be the woman I am today! Alas, these past few years, you and I have been in disagreement over the release of those eggs. Now I know I didn’t really need them in the past, and I am well aware of those who have not made it to their full potential. There are two that I even had the gall to remove once they took root. I know, I know, I’ve been a selfish person. But I waited, as I was supposed to, for just the right time. I’m here now, and have been for a while. I am quite miffed that you have decided to stop releasing those eggs on a regular basis. You may be mad at me, but we still have a job to do! I have been trying to cooperate. I’ve been treating that illness you have. You know the one with that pearl like strand of cysts that have grown attached to you? Not only that, but I haven’t been on birth control in quite a long time. If this is about those depo provera shots, I said I was sorry. It hurt me just as much as it hurt you. But forcing me to take hormones to force you?? That is pretty mean. If I knew any better, I’d say you were mocking me.
But all that aside, I want to start over. I want to be the mother I was destined to be, and I can’t do that without you. I am begging for your help. I know you and I can’t do it alone, but I am confident that uterus is on board with this plan. All I need is for you to give me the positive on that little test, and the hubby and I will do what we can. I know sometimes, it isn’t meant to be, but I am certain, that we can make magic happen if we just work together. Please give me a chance to prove that being a mother is just as hard, and wonderful as I know it can be.
You and I have had a close relationship over the years. Without you, I couldn’t be the woman I am today! Alas, these past few years, you and I have been in disagreement over the release of those eggs. Now I know I didn’t really need them in the past, and I am well aware of those who have not made it to their full potential. There are two that I even had the gall to remove once they took root. I know, I know, I’ve been a selfish person. But I waited, as I was supposed to, for just the right time. I’m here now, and have been for a while. I am quite miffed that you have decided to stop releasing those eggs on a regular basis. You may be mad at me, but we still have a job to do! I have been trying to cooperate. I’ve been treating that illness you have. You know the one with that pearl like strand of cysts that have grown attached to you? Not only that, but I haven’t been on birth control in quite a long time. If this is about those depo provera shots, I said I was sorry. It hurt me just as much as it hurt you. But forcing me to take hormones to force you?? That is pretty mean. If I knew any better, I’d say you were mocking me.
But all that aside, I want to start over. I want to be the mother I was destined to be, and I can’t do that without you. I am begging for your help. I know you and I can’t do it alone, but I am confident that uterus is on board with this plan. All I need is for you to give me the positive on that little test, and the hubby and I will do what we can. I know sometimes, it isn’t meant to be, but I am certain, that we can make magic happen if we just work together. Please give me a chance to prove that being a mother is just as hard, and wonderful as I know it can be.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Of Monkeys' and Marias'
We made some serious progress this month. Two big goals have been taken care of. We replaced our roof, and got a new vehicle. With that under our belts, I think my husband has relaxed about broaching the subject of kids now. We don't talk about us actually trying. But we did have a few discussions that were surprising. First of all, he at least agrees with the girl's name I have picked out: Sarah Maria Karg. For our grandmothers. I am pretty sure he doesn't like the boy name I have chosen: Rylan John Karg. Rylan, because I love the name, and John for both of our fathers, his brother, my uncles, ect. My second boy will have my father's middle name (Sherman). The second girl's name I have chosen is Arianna Rose Karg. I am pretty set on those, but I know I will give some room for compromise if he wants a word in edge wise.
Then we spoke of him wanting to build our child's furniture. I have no problems with that, except , I am afraid he won't follow all the safety specs. I know he wants to build something for our child, and I will not deny that of him, but there are certain things he has to follow. He is very adamant that we do not use too many chemicals for the furniture, and wants me to drop the hint to my father when he makes the cradle to use linseed oil instead of varnish, or low fume varnish. It made me say, "Oh, you aren't going to be one of those "Au Natural" dads are you?" Because I am not going to wash diapers!
But he is thinking forward. Catching up to where I have been for a couple of years? Sort of. My neurosis goes deep. For my boy room I have found the cutest monkey themed items. I just love it! For a girl, well that will be different. I'm pretty sure we will be having a boy first. so I am most prepared for that. If I do have a girl, well great, but I am not worried if it doesn't happen. Boys can be as much fun as girls, it is just easier to find the frilly clothing!
But don't mind my hormonal ravings. I started a new cycle 3 days ago, and I am still doing that estrogen waffle. (That is what I call when I am fine one minute, and the next I am blubbering about a funny face my fish made) Not that I am making my emotional stability any better. I just took my first Clomid pill. I have 4 more to go. Hopefully, I get a egg to come out, and get my husband to make a deposit just in time. This is like coordinating a ballet. I have several conditions that must be met to create this one tiny thing that is so life changing! If one thing goes wrong, the end result is disappointment and a new box of tampons.
Then we spoke of him wanting to build our child's furniture. I have no problems with that, except , I am afraid he won't follow all the safety specs. I know he wants to build something for our child, and I will not deny that of him, but there are certain things he has to follow. He is very adamant that we do not use too many chemicals for the furniture, and wants me to drop the hint to my father when he makes the cradle to use linseed oil instead of varnish, or low fume varnish. It made me say, "Oh, you aren't going to be one of those "Au Natural" dads are you?" Because I am not going to wash diapers!
But he is thinking forward. Catching up to where I have been for a couple of years? Sort of. My neurosis goes deep. For my boy room I have found the cutest monkey themed items. I just love it! For a girl, well that will be different. I'm pretty sure we will be having a boy first. so I am most prepared for that. If I do have a girl, well great, but I am not worried if it doesn't happen. Boys can be as much fun as girls, it is just easier to find the frilly clothing!
But don't mind my hormonal ravings. I started a new cycle 3 days ago, and I am still doing that estrogen waffle. (That is what I call when I am fine one minute, and the next I am blubbering about a funny face my fish made) Not that I am making my emotional stability any better. I just took my first Clomid pill. I have 4 more to go. Hopefully, I get a egg to come out, and get my husband to make a deposit just in time. This is like coordinating a ballet. I have several conditions that must be met to create this one tiny thing that is so life changing! If one thing goes wrong, the end result is disappointment and a new box of tampons.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A Few Words Before I Go...
Where am I going? Crazy. Or at least I feel like it. Am I so much a Libra that I must have balance in chaos? One part of my life is not on track, so the other part of my life must derail? I guess this is a long time coming. I haven't been happy in my job for at least a year. My current place of employment has been the final straw. These people are crazy, and don't understand what has kept them in business. I do see that they are very quickly going in the wrong direction. I don't want to be on this ship when it sinks. My personal life? Well it has taken us at least 3 years of arguments to get here.
I asked my husband for a trial separation a couple of weeks ago, and that got me roses and a tenative promise to try to have baby. That wasn't my goal at all. I've gotten to the point where I feel I must make my life happier. I need to do what I need to to make my life the way I want it. We have been put through the wringer on this issue, and the only thing we keep coming back to is a dead end. We agree upon goals, and when they are close to being met, he tells me he isn't ready, and I just need to wait. Well, I've had it. I need to move on from this game. I think he understands that I am at the end of my rope.Which is why he went out and bought me roses. He knows I am sucker for shows of love. But the issue wasn't if he loved me, it was his unwillingness to work on his fear of change, and for us to learn better ways to talk to each other.
But things have been much better since that last argument. He has shown me that he is trying, and I appreciate the effort 1000 times more than the beautiful roses. But I dare not bring it up, because I almost fear that if we talk about it, he may get cold feet again, and freak out. I know my husband, and if he is pretending that he isn't really trying to get me pregnant, then he will be easier about no protection and not pulling out. He can't help that he is a product of his family who lives with a neon pink elephant in the middle of the family room. I can't help it that I want to be joyus that we are on the way to making our family, and share it with him.
I am so excited to get pregnant, but I am equally as scared. The change in our lives, the change in our responseibility alone is enough to make me hide under the covers and say that now I am the one not ready for this! But more than that, the excitemnet of creating a human that is a mixture of my husband and I, a visable token of our love, not to mention the culminated mix of our families, is so profound and beautiful, that my maternal side wins out over the fear. This seems all I ever wanted to do in life. I want to be in love with a man for the rest of my life, and raise a family.
I asked my husband for a trial separation a couple of weeks ago, and that got me roses and a tenative promise to try to have baby. That wasn't my goal at all. I've gotten to the point where I feel I must make my life happier. I need to do what I need to to make my life the way I want it. We have been put through the wringer on this issue, and the only thing we keep coming back to is a dead end. We agree upon goals, and when they are close to being met, he tells me he isn't ready, and I just need to wait. Well, I've had it. I need to move on from this game. I think he understands that I am at the end of my rope.Which is why he went out and bought me roses. He knows I am sucker for shows of love. But the issue wasn't if he loved me, it was his unwillingness to work on his fear of change, and for us to learn better ways to talk to each other.
But things have been much better since that last argument. He has shown me that he is trying, and I appreciate the effort 1000 times more than the beautiful roses. But I dare not bring it up, because I almost fear that if we talk about it, he may get cold feet again, and freak out. I know my husband, and if he is pretending that he isn't really trying to get me pregnant, then he will be easier about no protection and not pulling out. He can't help that he is a product of his family who lives with a neon pink elephant in the middle of the family room. I can't help it that I want to be joyus that we are on the way to making our family, and share it with him.
I am so excited to get pregnant, but I am equally as scared. The change in our lives, the change in our responseibility alone is enough to make me hide under the covers and say that now I am the one not ready for this! But more than that, the excitemnet of creating a human that is a mixture of my husband and I, a visable token of our love, not to mention the culminated mix of our families, is so profound and beautiful, that my maternal side wins out over the fear. This seems all I ever wanted to do in life. I want to be in love with a man for the rest of my life, and raise a family.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Muy Frio Dreams
Last week, I did not post. I was a bad blogger, and neglected my audience (Me) and decided to let work consume me. That was both a bad and a good idea. I felt like I was actually working at a point, and useful to boot. Then I realized, um, the boss is going to know how awesome I am, and he is going to expect me to do everything for him! I am a closet yes woman. I didn't think I would let her out ever again, but she came bolting out at the first chance. I can't trust that slut!
I don't really try to dumb myself down, okay, I do to an extent. I am pretty good with computers, and was before I met my husband. (of course my skills are better now thanks to him) But if I really let it out that I can help solve issues, and I am not just another pretty face in the steno pool, then I would be called upon mercilessly. At home, on the weekends, and I would not say no. Do you see my issue here? To be called upon to work on time off, and stupid me saying yes. I really can't help myself.
So I struggle with the real April sitting beneath this skin saying, "Oh, I can fix that printing issue you are having! " I fear that once the truth is out, I will become Mrs. Fix it. That is not what I want. But I fear being impolite and I rarely refuse anything to anyone. I just say yes and take on the extra work. Look at what I got myself into now. I took on doing my normal job, and being an assistant to my boss, since his left. Not to mention right before that, his partner decided that he was too busy for a particular task, and he gave me something from his plate. Did I say no to any of it? Not really, I didn't have a choice. They just said, "Hey! You there! Do this." And I did.
All in all, these past couple of weeks have been draining. I have had to juggle my family, work, and my husband with delicate precision. I am needing some alone time. I mean, like on a desert island, cut off from humanity time alone. We had our second session with the therapist on Tuesday, and as far as I can tell, it didn't go well. What I learned was, my husband says something I don't agree with. I say, “I don't agree with you,” therapist stops us, says we need to play for the same team not against each other. But he doesn't know my husband! Everything is a competition. He needs me to fight with him. He can't be wrong. He rarely says I am sorry.
So I tell my husband that I need a promise from him, a guarantee that he is on board with having a baby, and he sidestepped the request and said he felt like I was attacking him. Which of course the therapist questioned, and then the conversation was off promises, and onto communicating. I don't even know why I ask for one, he has broken so many. But the simple fact that he couldn't even promise me sets off alarm bells. I don't know where to take this, what to do, or whom to talk to.
I am thinking about taking my vacation. I want to go hide from everyone for that week. I want to read till my eyes blur, watch all the movies I have been wanting to see. Soak in a huge tub till my skin wrinkles. I would like it to be on the Frio River, secluded from tourists, but with breath-taking views of the scenery. I would like a private cove to swim in, and an endless supply of fresh ingredients in the kitchen to cook with. **SIGH** If only I could….
I don't really try to dumb myself down, okay, I do to an extent. I am pretty good with computers, and was before I met my husband. (of course my skills are better now thanks to him) But if I really let it out that I can help solve issues, and I am not just another pretty face in the steno pool, then I would be called upon mercilessly. At home, on the weekends, and I would not say no. Do you see my issue here? To be called upon to work on time off, and stupid me saying yes. I really can't help myself.
So I struggle with the real April sitting beneath this skin saying, "Oh, I can fix that printing issue you are having! " I fear that once the truth is out, I will become Mrs. Fix it. That is not what I want. But I fear being impolite and I rarely refuse anything to anyone. I just say yes and take on the extra work. Look at what I got myself into now. I took on doing my normal job, and being an assistant to my boss, since his left. Not to mention right before that, his partner decided that he was too busy for a particular task, and he gave me something from his plate. Did I say no to any of it? Not really, I didn't have a choice. They just said, "Hey! You there! Do this." And I did.
All in all, these past couple of weeks have been draining. I have had to juggle my family, work, and my husband with delicate precision. I am needing some alone time. I mean, like on a desert island, cut off from humanity time alone. We had our second session with the therapist on Tuesday, and as far as I can tell, it didn't go well. What I learned was, my husband says something I don't agree with. I say, “I don't agree with you,” therapist stops us, says we need to play for the same team not against each other. But he doesn't know my husband! Everything is a competition. He needs me to fight with him. He can't be wrong. He rarely says I am sorry.
So I tell my husband that I need a promise from him, a guarantee that he is on board with having a baby, and he sidestepped the request and said he felt like I was attacking him. Which of course the therapist questioned, and then the conversation was off promises, and onto communicating. I don't even know why I ask for one, he has broken so many. But the simple fact that he couldn't even promise me sets off alarm bells. I don't know where to take this, what to do, or whom to talk to.
I am thinking about taking my vacation. I want to go hide from everyone for that week. I want to read till my eyes blur, watch all the movies I have been wanting to see. Soak in a huge tub till my skin wrinkles. I would like it to be on the Frio River, secluded from tourists, but with breath-taking views of the scenery. I would like a private cove to swim in, and an endless supply of fresh ingredients in the kitchen to cook with. **SIGH** If only I could….
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Ready To Rumble
I don't think our first therapy session can come soon enough. I want this to work so badly. I want us to work so badly, but I am not happy right now. I am sure he knows that I am not happy, but it is an unsaid screen between us. I am not sure if this adventure to therapy will help us any, but if this weekend was any indication of our less than happy situation, I will be willing to walk on hot coals and broken glass to prevent more times like this.
I am not sure what is going through my husband's mind at this time, but I can say from my point of view, that I am nervous as hell that we will go into that office and come out with the knowledge that we should walk away from each other. The last thing I want to do is to end our 8 years. But I also do not want to give up my chance at having children. I have given him 8 years of my life, and plan to give him however many more I have left.
I read a very scary statistic today that really brings it all home for me. 35% of women diagnosed with cervical cancer will have a recurrence of the disease. This is a very unhappy thing for me to think about. If I am diagnosed with cervical cancer again, my chance at having kids goes right out the window. They take out my entire reproductive system. If they leave my ovaries, which they most likely won't, the only way I would have a child is via surrogate. I lose the experience of being pregnant, which just isn't acceptable.
But while that outlook looks grim, I don't want that to be the reason that Steven wants children. I want him to say, "I can't wait to be a father, please have a baby and make me a complete man." Then I say "Yes, of course!" He carries me to the bedroom. After the most beautiful love making, I look up and declare "I am with child!" Then I wake up, and laugh at my imagination, because I have been reading too many romance novels.
When I post tomorrow about therapy, I really hope my attitude will be better. It is not fun to wake up next to the man you love and force yourself to kiss him hello and goodbye. I am mad, and hurt, no amount of good morning kisses will fix that. Especially since I see babies and baby related items where ever I go. I go to sleep holding a baby in my imagination, and I wake up hoping some day soon, it won't be a dream.
I am not sure what is going through my husband's mind at this time, but I can say from my point of view, that I am nervous as hell that we will go into that office and come out with the knowledge that we should walk away from each other. The last thing I want to do is to end our 8 years. But I also do not want to give up my chance at having children. I have given him 8 years of my life, and plan to give him however many more I have left.
I read a very scary statistic today that really brings it all home for me. 35% of women diagnosed with cervical cancer will have a recurrence of the disease. This is a very unhappy thing for me to think about. If I am diagnosed with cervical cancer again, my chance at having kids goes right out the window. They take out my entire reproductive system. If they leave my ovaries, which they most likely won't, the only way I would have a child is via surrogate. I lose the experience of being pregnant, which just isn't acceptable.
But while that outlook looks grim, I don't want that to be the reason that Steven wants children. I want him to say, "I can't wait to be a father, please have a baby and make me a complete man." Then I say "Yes, of course!" He carries me to the bedroom. After the most beautiful love making, I look up and declare "I am with child!" Then I wake up, and laugh at my imagination, because I have been reading too many romance novels.
When I post tomorrow about therapy, I really hope my attitude will be better. It is not fun to wake up next to the man you love and force yourself to kiss him hello and goodbye. I am mad, and hurt, no amount of good morning kisses will fix that. Especially since I see babies and baby related items where ever I go. I go to sleep holding a baby in my imagination, and I wake up hoping some day soon, it won't be a dream.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Revelations and Questions
Am I being ruled by hormones? I know the answer. You don’t have to tell me. It was a rhetorical question. Is it normal? My studies on the web say yes. Numerous women are in the same boat I am. We are over run by emotions, and not one of us has it totally under control. I think that is what some men do not understand. (my husband included) He likes to look at everything from a scientific standpoint, so maybe that is how I will get through to him.
But statistics and sheer numbers alone will not do. No, I will need graphical models, DNA sequences, the properties of the specific hormones, and how they affect my body. Basically, I need an anatomy class. Then as clinically as I can, I need to explain that my body’s will to have children is something embedded into my DNA and not just some fantasy I have whipped up in my head.
To be completely realistic, it is hormones and my imagination. I want a family for both reasons. I know that it is my human right to have children, and I also know that it will be wonderful. I don’t live in perfect land either. I am scared out of my mind that I will end up being a bad mother. I know it is a challenge to raise children, and a financial burden too. Our life is almost perfect. We have a loving relationship, a nice house, two solid incomes, and supportive family. That is 80% more than many parents provide for their children.
But the biggest issue yet, is to prove that a child would not destroy everything we have done for our lives so far. Yes we have bills, yes we need a new roof, but all of that is necessary. It will always be that way. What he asks for is not financial peace of mind, because unless we sell our home we will have none. A house takes constant maintenance. If we replace the roof this year, then something else will come up next. The air conditioner will need to be replaced, the stove will go out, the fridge will give out.
These are unavoidable events that you keep money aside for. Just as fast as our savings goes up, it will go down. We will always have bills as we do now. One thing or another. But he sees the roof caving in right now. He sees us eating hot dogs for the rest of our lives unless we can pay off a car right now. It will ruin us in his eyes. He doesn’t say as much, but I know it from the picture he paints.
That is why I want to see a therapist with him. Maybe we can both get over our fears. My fear of not being able to have children if we wait much longer, and his fear of losing our carefully built lives. I will be disappointed if the therapist chooses a side to argue from instead of both. That is my biggest fear. I especially do not want my husband to feel ganged up on. That is one of the main reasons I chose a male doctor instead of a female. It is all about his comfort. I want us to work, and I want to have children sooner than later.
But statistics and sheer numbers alone will not do. No, I will need graphical models, DNA sequences, the properties of the specific hormones, and how they affect my body. Basically, I need an anatomy class. Then as clinically as I can, I need to explain that my body’s will to have children is something embedded into my DNA and not just some fantasy I have whipped up in my head.
To be completely realistic, it is hormones and my imagination. I want a family for both reasons. I know that it is my human right to have children, and I also know that it will be wonderful. I don’t live in perfect land either. I am scared out of my mind that I will end up being a bad mother. I know it is a challenge to raise children, and a financial burden too. Our life is almost perfect. We have a loving relationship, a nice house, two solid incomes, and supportive family. That is 80% more than many parents provide for their children.
But the biggest issue yet, is to prove that a child would not destroy everything we have done for our lives so far. Yes we have bills, yes we need a new roof, but all of that is necessary. It will always be that way. What he asks for is not financial peace of mind, because unless we sell our home we will have none. A house takes constant maintenance. If we replace the roof this year, then something else will come up next. The air conditioner will need to be replaced, the stove will go out, the fridge will give out.
These are unavoidable events that you keep money aside for. Just as fast as our savings goes up, it will go down. We will always have bills as we do now. One thing or another. But he sees the roof caving in right now. He sees us eating hot dogs for the rest of our lives unless we can pay off a car right now. It will ruin us in his eyes. He doesn’t say as much, but I know it from the picture he paints.
That is why I want to see a therapist with him. Maybe we can both get over our fears. My fear of not being able to have children if we wait much longer, and his fear of losing our carefully built lives. I will be disappointed if the therapist chooses a side to argue from instead of both. That is my biggest fear. I especially do not want my husband to feel ganged up on. That is one of the main reasons I chose a male doctor instead of a female. It is all about his comfort. I want us to work, and I want to have children sooner than later.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday Blues
Monday's suck. I hate that just yesterday I was taking a nap at 1pm, and finally getting a shower by 3 pm. I am LAZY, and I love it mostly. I used to get up on the weekends, and have drive to do something, I certainly don't have that now. I come home, force myself to cook dinner, maybe do a load of laundry, and read until I am cross-eyed. What I am waiting for however is the chance to have one of my best friends back in my day to day life, my sister. We keep each other entertained. If we aren't cooking something, then I am dragging her into a craft project, or we are shopping. These are things a woman needs often. My two best friends left town, and all I had was my Kindle and my Husband. Now that one is coming home, I am so excited. I can finally have a LIFE again!
It is not that I don't enjoy my husband, but maybe I will appreciate him more if we had some time away from each other. I really don't have anyone except my sister and my long time best friend Leslie. Everyone else has fallen by the wayside for one reason or another. Friends come in and out of your life for one purpose or another. I have had my share of really good friends, mostly from work, that have drifted off my radar due to life and its usual issues. Our family is closer to us than anyone. I don't mind it at all. My sister has all my dirty awful secrets, and I trust her with them, because she can trust me with hers. That is just what we do. Leslie is no exception.
But with the two people I share my "girl time" with only in town for a little while, and them having to split their time evenly amongst others, I don't get the quality time that is necessary. I don’t give them hell about it. I know it isn’t something they could control, but it seems like the short time we have is never enough.
It is not that I don't enjoy my husband, but maybe I will appreciate him more if we had some time away from each other. I really don't have anyone except my sister and my long time best friend Leslie. Everyone else has fallen by the wayside for one reason or another. Friends come in and out of your life for one purpose or another. I have had my share of really good friends, mostly from work, that have drifted off my radar due to life and its usual issues. Our family is closer to us than anyone. I don't mind it at all. My sister has all my dirty awful secrets, and I trust her with them, because she can trust me with hers. That is just what we do. Leslie is no exception.
But with the two people I share my "girl time" with only in town for a little while, and them having to split their time evenly amongst others, I don't get the quality time that is necessary. I don’t give them hell about it. I know it isn’t something they could control, but it seems like the short time we have is never enough.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Therapy Tuesdays?
Boy, did I call it or did I call it? The second I mentioned having a baby this past weekend, he went into I-don't-think-so mode. It doesn't matter what he promises, or how often, he is just telling me what I want to hear. When the fight started, my claws came out. I was ready to shred him to pieces, and say what has been on my tongue. I tell him that I was beginning to think that he is not the person I will be fulfilling my dream with. I don't want it to be the truth. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But every time we argue over this, his conditions get harder to fulfill. First we started with a new roof and $2,000 in the bank. Now we are up to paying off and or giving up a car, buying baby furniture and getting rid of his IRS bill.
Next argument will be we either have to sell our home, or start working 3 jobs a piece. Do you see where this is going? I sure do. He is suggesting that we can't live like we are now, and have a baby. He went as far to say that we would be jeopardizing what we had. I can't control the way I feel. I know he can't control the way he feels. I suggested therapy, and he agreed because he feels maybe it can help me control my need to have children. He was trying to figure out a way to get closer to him feeling comfortable with having children. But his "thinking" lead to a new roof, and paying off prior debts. The problem with this issue, is that we make plenty of money. So much money, in fact that the IRS eats our lunch each year for it.
So where do we stand since no one was backing down, yet again? This time I suggested therapy. I do not want to lose my marriage, but it seems as that could be very likely if we do not get some help. If we cannot work this out, and our marriage ends, at least we did everything we could. As it is, I already resent him for making me go through all of this, but if I get pregnant now, even by accident, it may just drive the final stake in our proverbial hearts. He feels like I do not listen to him, and his worries over money should be enough for me to relax until he feels ready. I feel like he does not listen to me and my worries over waiting too long and never having the chance again should mean something to him. After all, I am the one he is asking to wait. I am the one he is asking to put my life on hold, so he can get a firmer grip on his.
I also have to make a correction. When I confronted him about the 6 months being up, I told him he would promise that we could try. He said "Yea, I guess so." Which, I could have taken at face value, and run to the hills with it. But no. It was the answer I wanted to hear, and it was leading me down dark and dangerous paths. I knew that such a flagrant disregard of the truth would be our undoing. That he even tempted with it frustrated me to tears. I want this more than anything. I want to have children, but I will not settle for someone who basically gave me sperm donation to shut up. If I wanted just a child, I would have left long ago. I stay because I want to make my family with him, I want him to be the father of my children, and the love of my life.
So, to spare ourselves from going round the same old pattern of fight, cry, makeup, and make a false finish line. I suggested therapy, and he was open to it. So I made the appointment, and he seems receptive at the moment. Actually he said 'very well'. Very well indeed. Let's hope we will be willing to keep going to therapy, and not handle this on our own again. I don't want a who is right or wrong verdict, but I do need Steve to understand me, and not just his point of view. I am sure even though I understand his fear, especially since I am the one who does our finances, that I could use some insight into his point.
Next argument will be we either have to sell our home, or start working 3 jobs a piece. Do you see where this is going? I sure do. He is suggesting that we can't live like we are now, and have a baby. He went as far to say that we would be jeopardizing what we had. I can't control the way I feel. I know he can't control the way he feels. I suggested therapy, and he agreed because he feels maybe it can help me control my need to have children. He was trying to figure out a way to get closer to him feeling comfortable with having children. But his "thinking" lead to a new roof, and paying off prior debts. The problem with this issue, is that we make plenty of money. So much money, in fact that the IRS eats our lunch each year for it.
So where do we stand since no one was backing down, yet again? This time I suggested therapy. I do not want to lose my marriage, but it seems as that could be very likely if we do not get some help. If we cannot work this out, and our marriage ends, at least we did everything we could. As it is, I already resent him for making me go through all of this, but if I get pregnant now, even by accident, it may just drive the final stake in our proverbial hearts. He feels like I do not listen to him, and his worries over money should be enough for me to relax until he feels ready. I feel like he does not listen to me and my worries over waiting too long and never having the chance again should mean something to him. After all, I am the one he is asking to wait. I am the one he is asking to put my life on hold, so he can get a firmer grip on his.
I also have to make a correction. When I confronted him about the 6 months being up, I told him he would promise that we could try. He said "Yea, I guess so." Which, I could have taken at face value, and run to the hills with it. But no. It was the answer I wanted to hear, and it was leading me down dark and dangerous paths. I knew that such a flagrant disregard of the truth would be our undoing. That he even tempted with it frustrated me to tears. I want this more than anything. I want to have children, but I will not settle for someone who basically gave me sperm donation to shut up. If I wanted just a child, I would have left long ago. I stay because I want to make my family with him, I want him to be the father of my children, and the love of my life.
So, to spare ourselves from going round the same old pattern of fight, cry, makeup, and make a false finish line. I suggested therapy, and he was open to it. So I made the appointment, and he seems receptive at the moment. Actually he said 'very well'. Very well indeed. Let's hope we will be willing to keep going to therapy, and not handle this on our own again. I don't want a who is right or wrong verdict, but I do need Steve to understand me, and not just his point of view. I am sure even though I understand his fear, especially since I am the one who does our finances, that I could use some insight into his point.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
March Comes In Like A Lion, and Out Like A Rabid Lion
This is the last day in March. April not only begins the change in the weather, but hopefully a big change in our lives. I know I have said that before. Numerous times, countless really. This will mark the end of the 3rd year my husband has stalled us having children. We should celebrate! Champagne! Sadly, I know what is coming even as I pull the flutes from the china cabinet. He is going for a 4th year. We haven't spoken of it yet, but it is there churning under the surface happiness.
After each deadline, I bring up the issue. It doesn't matter how I approach it. His hackles raise and he starts growling. If I knew any better, he would rather see me leave than have his children. But I know better, and he loves me, and doesn't want me to leave. But at the same time, he doesn't want me to have his children, yet. But the further he puts me off, the bigger the void in my heart gets. I want children. I have dreamed of it as long as I can remember. I have come close twice at least in my life, but for two very different reasons, I let my chances slip away. One of those chances was for my husband. Now that I have let us both put this off, it is becoming a battle of wills.
Who has the biggest argument? Who has more sense? That is a bad argument waiting to happen. We have been there. I want to stay far far away from that path. But it seems as if this is it to me. I have to have a limit, and I am getting older by the minute. In October I start my 30th year of living. He could care less, but to me it is the end of my youthful 20's and the beginning of my child rearing years. When my child is 10, I will be 40, when my child is 20 I will be 50, when my child is 30, I will be 60! He is even worse off than I am, he will be 37 this year. So our 30 year old child will have to worry about putting his dad in a nursing home? But he doesn't see that. He sees his freedom taken away. He sees the never ending life changes and the financial burdens that come with children.
So now, we are at the end of our last deadline. I have already started the process, with a simple questions between us. He has the ball right now, let's see what he does with it.
After each deadline, I bring up the issue. It doesn't matter how I approach it. His hackles raise and he starts growling. If I knew any better, he would rather see me leave than have his children. But I know better, and he loves me, and doesn't want me to leave. But at the same time, he doesn't want me to have his children, yet. But the further he puts me off, the bigger the void in my heart gets. I want children. I have dreamed of it as long as I can remember. I have come close twice at least in my life, but for two very different reasons, I let my chances slip away. One of those chances was for my husband. Now that I have let us both put this off, it is becoming a battle of wills.
Who has the biggest argument? Who has more sense? That is a bad argument waiting to happen. We have been there. I want to stay far far away from that path. But it seems as if this is it to me. I have to have a limit, and I am getting older by the minute. In October I start my 30th year of living. He could care less, but to me it is the end of my youthful 20's and the beginning of my child rearing years. When my child is 10, I will be 40, when my child is 20 I will be 50, when my child is 30, I will be 60! He is even worse off than I am, he will be 37 this year. So our 30 year old child will have to worry about putting his dad in a nursing home? But he doesn't see that. He sees his freedom taken away. He sees the never ending life changes and the financial burdens that come with children.
So now, we are at the end of our last deadline. I have already started the process, with a simple questions between us. He has the ball right now, let's see what he does with it.
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