Where am I going? Crazy. Or at least I feel like it. Am I so much a Libra that I must have balance in chaos? One part of my life is not on track, so the other part of my life must derail? I guess this is a long time coming. I haven't been happy in my job for at least a year. My current place of employment has been the final straw. These people are crazy, and don't understand what has kept them in business. I do see that they are very quickly going in the wrong direction. I don't want to be on this ship when it sinks. My personal life? Well it has taken us at least 3 years of arguments to get here.
I asked my husband for a trial separation a couple of weeks ago, and that got me roses and a tenative promise to try to have baby. That wasn't my goal at all. I've gotten to the point where I feel I must make my life happier. I need to do what I need to to make my life the way I want it. We have been put through the wringer on this issue, and the only thing we keep coming back to is a dead end. We agree upon goals, and when they are close to being met, he tells me he isn't ready, and I just need to wait. Well, I've had it. I need to move on from this game. I think he understands that I am at the end of my rope.Which is why he went out and bought me roses. He knows I am sucker for shows of love. But the issue wasn't if he loved me, it was his unwillingness to work on his fear of change, and for us to learn better ways to talk to each other.
But things have been much better since that last argument. He has shown me that he is trying, and I appreciate the effort 1000 times more than the beautiful roses. But I dare not bring it up, because I almost fear that if we talk about it, he may get cold feet again, and freak out. I know my husband, and if he is pretending that he isn't really trying to get me pregnant, then he will be easier about no protection and not pulling out. He can't help that he is a product of his family who lives with a neon pink elephant in the middle of the family room. I can't help it that I want to be joyus that we are on the way to making our family, and share it with him.
I am so excited to get pregnant, but I am equally as scared. The change in our lives, the change in our responseibility alone is enough to make me hide under the covers and say that now I am the one not ready for this! But more than that, the excitemnet of creating a human that is a mixture of my husband and I, a visable token of our love, not to mention the culminated mix of our families, is so profound and beautiful, that my maternal side wins out over the fear. This seems all I ever wanted to do in life. I want to be in love with a man for the rest of my life, and raise a family.
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