Last week, I did not post. I was a bad blogger, and neglected my audience (Me) and decided to let work consume me. That was both a bad and a good idea. I felt like I was actually working at a point, and useful to boot. Then I realized, um, the boss is going to know how awesome I am, and he is going to expect me to do everything for him! I am a closet yes woman. I didn't think I would let her out ever again, but she came bolting out at the first chance. I can't trust that slut!
I don't really try to dumb myself down, okay, I do to an extent. I am pretty good with computers, and was before I met my husband. (of course my skills are better now thanks to him) But if I really let it out that I can help solve issues, and I am not just another pretty face in the steno pool, then I would be called upon mercilessly. At home, on the weekends, and I would not say no. Do you see my issue here? To be called upon to work on time off, and stupid me saying yes. I really can't help myself.
So I struggle with the real April sitting beneath this skin saying, "Oh, I can fix that printing issue you are having! " I fear that once the truth is out, I will become Mrs. Fix it. That is not what I want. But I fear being impolite and I rarely refuse anything to anyone. I just say yes and take on the extra work. Look at what I got myself into now. I took on doing my normal job, and being an assistant to my boss, since his left. Not to mention right before that, his partner decided that he was too busy for a particular task, and he gave me something from his plate. Did I say no to any of it? Not really, I didn't have a choice. They just said, "Hey! You there! Do this." And I did.
All in all, these past couple of weeks have been draining. I have had to juggle my family, work, and my husband with delicate precision. I am needing some alone time. I mean, like on a desert island, cut off from humanity time alone. We had our second session with the therapist on Tuesday, and as far as I can tell, it didn't go well. What I learned was, my husband says something I don't agree with. I say, “I don't agree with you,” therapist stops us, says we need to play for the same team not against each other. But he doesn't know my husband! Everything is a competition. He needs me to fight with him. He can't be wrong. He rarely says I am sorry.
So I tell my husband that I need a promise from him, a guarantee that he is on board with having a baby, and he sidestepped the request and said he felt like I was attacking him. Which of course the therapist questioned, and then the conversation was off promises, and onto communicating. I don't even know why I ask for one, he has broken so many. But the simple fact that he couldn't even promise me sets off alarm bells. I don't know where to take this, what to do, or whom to talk to.
I am thinking about taking my vacation. I want to go hide from everyone for that week. I want to read till my eyes blur, watch all the movies I have been wanting to see. Soak in a huge tub till my skin wrinkles. I would like it to be on the Frio River, secluded from tourists, but with breath-taking views of the scenery. I would like a private cove to swim in, and an endless supply of fresh ingredients in the kitchen to cook with. **SIGH** If only I could….
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