Dear Ovaries,
You and I have had a close relationship over the years. Without you, I couldn’t be the woman I am today! Alas, these past few years, you and I have been in disagreement over the release of those eggs. Now I know I didn’t really need them in the past, and I am well aware of those who have not made it to their full potential. There are two that I even had the gall to remove once they took root. I know, I know, I’ve been a selfish person. But I waited, as I was supposed to, for just the right time. I’m here now, and have been for a while. I am quite miffed that you have decided to stop releasing those eggs on a regular basis. You may be mad at me, but we still have a job to do! I have been trying to cooperate. I’ve been treating that illness you have. You know the one with that pearl like strand of cysts that have grown attached to you? Not only that, but I haven’t been on birth control in quite a long time. If this is about those depo provera shots, I said I was sorry. It hurt me just as much as it hurt you. But forcing me to take hormones to force you?? That is pretty mean. If I knew any better, I’d say you were mocking me.
But all that aside, I want to start over. I want to be the mother I was destined to be, and I can’t do that without you. I am begging for your help. I know you and I can’t do it alone, but I am confident that uterus is on board with this plan. All I need is for you to give me the positive on that little test, and the hubby and I will do what we can. I know sometimes, it isn’t meant to be, but I am certain, that we can make magic happen if we just work together. Please give me a chance to prove that being a mother is just as hard, and wonderful as I know it can be.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Of Monkeys' and Marias'
We made some serious progress this month. Two big goals have been taken care of. We replaced our roof, and got a new vehicle. With that under our belts, I think my husband has relaxed about broaching the subject of kids now. We don't talk about us actually trying. But we did have a few discussions that were surprising. First of all, he at least agrees with the girl's name I have picked out: Sarah Maria Karg. For our grandmothers. I am pretty sure he doesn't like the boy name I have chosen: Rylan John Karg. Rylan, because I love the name, and John for both of our fathers, his brother, my uncles, ect. My second boy will have my father's middle name (Sherman). The second girl's name I have chosen is Arianna Rose Karg. I am pretty set on those, but I know I will give some room for compromise if he wants a word in edge wise.
Then we spoke of him wanting to build our child's furniture. I have no problems with that, except , I am afraid he won't follow all the safety specs. I know he wants to build something for our child, and I will not deny that of him, but there are certain things he has to follow. He is very adamant that we do not use too many chemicals for the furniture, and wants me to drop the hint to my father when he makes the cradle to use linseed oil instead of varnish, or low fume varnish. It made me say, "Oh, you aren't going to be one of those "Au Natural" dads are you?" Because I am not going to wash diapers!
But he is thinking forward. Catching up to where I have been for a couple of years? Sort of. My neurosis goes deep. For my boy room I have found the cutest monkey themed items. I just love it! For a girl, well that will be different. I'm pretty sure we will be having a boy first. so I am most prepared for that. If I do have a girl, well great, but I am not worried if it doesn't happen. Boys can be as much fun as girls, it is just easier to find the frilly clothing!
But don't mind my hormonal ravings. I started a new cycle 3 days ago, and I am still doing that estrogen waffle. (That is what I call when I am fine one minute, and the next I am blubbering about a funny face my fish made) Not that I am making my emotional stability any better. I just took my first Clomid pill. I have 4 more to go. Hopefully, I get a egg to come out, and get my husband to make a deposit just in time. This is like coordinating a ballet. I have several conditions that must be met to create this one tiny thing that is so life changing! If one thing goes wrong, the end result is disappointment and a new box of tampons.
Then we spoke of him wanting to build our child's furniture. I have no problems with that, except , I am afraid he won't follow all the safety specs. I know he wants to build something for our child, and I will not deny that of him, but there are certain things he has to follow. He is very adamant that we do not use too many chemicals for the furniture, and wants me to drop the hint to my father when he makes the cradle to use linseed oil instead of varnish, or low fume varnish. It made me say, "Oh, you aren't going to be one of those "Au Natural" dads are you?" Because I am not going to wash diapers!
But he is thinking forward. Catching up to where I have been for a couple of years? Sort of. My neurosis goes deep. For my boy room I have found the cutest monkey themed items. I just love it! For a girl, well that will be different. I'm pretty sure we will be having a boy first. so I am most prepared for that. If I do have a girl, well great, but I am not worried if it doesn't happen. Boys can be as much fun as girls, it is just easier to find the frilly clothing!
But don't mind my hormonal ravings. I started a new cycle 3 days ago, and I am still doing that estrogen waffle. (That is what I call when I am fine one minute, and the next I am blubbering about a funny face my fish made) Not that I am making my emotional stability any better. I just took my first Clomid pill. I have 4 more to go. Hopefully, I get a egg to come out, and get my husband to make a deposit just in time. This is like coordinating a ballet. I have several conditions that must be met to create this one tiny thing that is so life changing! If one thing goes wrong, the end result is disappointment and a new box of tampons.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A Few Words Before I Go...
Where am I going? Crazy. Or at least I feel like it. Am I so much a Libra that I must have balance in chaos? One part of my life is not on track, so the other part of my life must derail? I guess this is a long time coming. I haven't been happy in my job for at least a year. My current place of employment has been the final straw. These people are crazy, and don't understand what has kept them in business. I do see that they are very quickly going in the wrong direction. I don't want to be on this ship when it sinks. My personal life? Well it has taken us at least 3 years of arguments to get here.
I asked my husband for a trial separation a couple of weeks ago, and that got me roses and a tenative promise to try to have baby. That wasn't my goal at all. I've gotten to the point where I feel I must make my life happier. I need to do what I need to to make my life the way I want it. We have been put through the wringer on this issue, and the only thing we keep coming back to is a dead end. We agree upon goals, and when they are close to being met, he tells me he isn't ready, and I just need to wait. Well, I've had it. I need to move on from this game. I think he understands that I am at the end of my rope.Which is why he went out and bought me roses. He knows I am sucker for shows of love. But the issue wasn't if he loved me, it was his unwillingness to work on his fear of change, and for us to learn better ways to talk to each other.
But things have been much better since that last argument. He has shown me that he is trying, and I appreciate the effort 1000 times more than the beautiful roses. But I dare not bring it up, because I almost fear that if we talk about it, he may get cold feet again, and freak out. I know my husband, and if he is pretending that he isn't really trying to get me pregnant, then he will be easier about no protection and not pulling out. He can't help that he is a product of his family who lives with a neon pink elephant in the middle of the family room. I can't help it that I want to be joyus that we are on the way to making our family, and share it with him.
I am so excited to get pregnant, but I am equally as scared. The change in our lives, the change in our responseibility alone is enough to make me hide under the covers and say that now I am the one not ready for this! But more than that, the excitemnet of creating a human that is a mixture of my husband and I, a visable token of our love, not to mention the culminated mix of our families, is so profound and beautiful, that my maternal side wins out over the fear. This seems all I ever wanted to do in life. I want to be in love with a man for the rest of my life, and raise a family.
I asked my husband for a trial separation a couple of weeks ago, and that got me roses and a tenative promise to try to have baby. That wasn't my goal at all. I've gotten to the point where I feel I must make my life happier. I need to do what I need to to make my life the way I want it. We have been put through the wringer on this issue, and the only thing we keep coming back to is a dead end. We agree upon goals, and when they are close to being met, he tells me he isn't ready, and I just need to wait. Well, I've had it. I need to move on from this game. I think he understands that I am at the end of my rope.Which is why he went out and bought me roses. He knows I am sucker for shows of love. But the issue wasn't if he loved me, it was his unwillingness to work on his fear of change, and for us to learn better ways to talk to each other.
But things have been much better since that last argument. He has shown me that he is trying, and I appreciate the effort 1000 times more than the beautiful roses. But I dare not bring it up, because I almost fear that if we talk about it, he may get cold feet again, and freak out. I know my husband, and if he is pretending that he isn't really trying to get me pregnant, then he will be easier about no protection and not pulling out. He can't help that he is a product of his family who lives with a neon pink elephant in the middle of the family room. I can't help it that I want to be joyus that we are on the way to making our family, and share it with him.
I am so excited to get pregnant, but I am equally as scared. The change in our lives, the change in our responseibility alone is enough to make me hide under the covers and say that now I am the one not ready for this! But more than that, the excitemnet of creating a human that is a mixture of my husband and I, a visable token of our love, not to mention the culminated mix of our families, is so profound and beautiful, that my maternal side wins out over the fear. This seems all I ever wanted to do in life. I want to be in love with a man for the rest of my life, and raise a family.
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