There, But For the Grace of "God", Go I.

Saturday night, I had a rare chance to hang out with a few of the people I shared some of my most influential times with. First of all, I was right about Steve not liking any of my old friends. But their status or personalities have nothing to do with that. It was plain old jealousy. When my husband realized that one of the guys attending was the first boy I had ever fallen in love with? Eh, lets just say, he was less than enthusiastic. I am just glad he didn't figure it out till we left the party. Not that he would say anything, but lord knows, it would have been a fight. Every smile would have been measured, every look, hug, laugh would have been calculated as out of line and inappropriate.

It is not as if we were touchy feely all night. But we shared memories, and many laughs. It was something that I thought would never happen. This guy and I have a very painful event that we shared. I don't think you ever forget getting pregnant at 16 by your boyfriend who was 15, and the life changing effects of an abortion your mother forced upon you. It was a wretched, and ugly time in my life. Bailey was my first true love, and the father of that pregnancy. It must have happened the very first time we had sex. It irrevocably changed us.

We were too young to know how to deal with it emotionally, and not long after that we broke up. We remained sometimes friends through out high school. We had the same circle of friends some of the time as well. It has been since High school, that we have talked to each other. The last time being the day we got our GED's. He took the test the same day I did. Just a coincidence, but maybe not. A year after that, I invited Bailey and his family to a party to celebrate my first wedding. I still don't know why I did that.

But after all these years, we briefly spoke of the event that altered the course of our lives. It sealed a bit of the wound that had been left. We both acknowledged that we thought we would have kids by now, and that maybe that chance all those years ago, would have been our only one. I was shocked to hear that from him. I had to confess I felt exactly the same way. I told him it sucked, and it was hard, but I am the way I am today, in part, because of that event. I am okay with it. He gave me a huge hug, and just like that I felt a bit lighter. I think maybe I needed him to know, I wasn't angry. Maybe he needed to know too.

The rest of the evening, we laughed at our own teenage antics, and parted with hugs all around. My husband stood off to the side, let me have my fun, and I made sure to show him that he was my one and only. however great it was to take a jog down memory lane, and do a little unexpected therapy, I have to recognise I am more than thankful for my life. I love my husband, and my family. We work hard, and have nice things. My old friends? Well they will be just fine. But I can't help but say to my self, "There, but for the grace of "god", go I. I could be a recovering addict, or alcoholic, or be in an abusive marriage, or lost in the world. I didn't go down that path, but is was right there in front of me. I have a feeling I was closer to going down the wrong path than I can imagine.

TMI, FUBAR, ASAP

Well, I tried. I am pretty sure the BIC (Bitch In Charge), Aunt Flow is on her way. Today is CD 26 12 DPO. I could have been testing today. But noooo. My uterus said she wasn't ready for visitors, and is currently cleaning house. We will try again next cycle, but I really had high hopes this time. Not only did I get that funny feeling, my body sent me all kinds of mixed signals. Almost like when you are at a bar and you look up to see prince charming staring at you like he found his princess. You get all excited at the thought that this hot guy has singled you out. He smiles, you smile, he waves, you wave. You see him get up and walk toward you, and you start thinking of what he will say, what you will say. He finally makes his way over and walks right past you to the tall blonde standing behind you. Now you feel dumb for thinking he was looking at you, and especially hateful towards the lucky woman.

That about sums me up. I feel like a mo-mo because I thought this was it. Now I didn't go running around telling the world that I was with child. That is total idiot suicide. No, I just sat here and convinced myself that this was it. It was my turn. No one in the family was pregnant, no friends are expecting. I could keep this time to myself, be excited with everyone, and have my baby in my arms in 9 months or so. Oh woe is me. I guess I am just being hormonal about it now.

I would feel better if I didn't feel different this time. That would actually make sense. But I guess the Clomid is making it 10 times more confusing. I have had cramps, on and off, not breaking out much, none of my typical cravings. I haven't even begged for chocolate once! Other wise, the symptoms that I have associated with the impending doom are here. I have had small streaks of blood in my wipes. I have had blood in my CM. I have even had sex twice, and that usually does the trick for me. But it refuses to flow. I just want it to come out so I can restart the timer. Maybe I'll try jumping jacks at lunch.

So with another failed cycle under my belt, I have a license to drink my arse off this weekend. Not to self medicate, and I am not at the stage that I want to be numb (yet), I just want to pretend like I am in my 20's and not worried about much but having a good time. I also know I have no desire to be falling down drunk. Lord knows I do not need to wake up on Sunday morning with a what-the-hell-did-I-do-? hangover. Saturday night I will be attending my 11 year reunion. Why 11 years? Because as usual, the slacker that I am, and the majority of my friends in HS did not attend our 10 year reunion. So when we got to talking over old school pictures, we decided that screw it, we will throw our own reunion!

Of course it will be at a bar, and of course there will be drama, and awkward introductions. I can't wait for my husband to meet the people that made up my high school life. I will feel like I am introducing my husband to the past version of myself in a way. He will dislike almost everyone. I expect it. It should be interesting.

CD 18 4 DPO FTW

I ovulated! We-Hew! Now the really crappy waiting part begins. We were very busy this weekend what with all the friends, family activities, and the people in town.  Not to mention we had to do cooking, yard work, and the mattress mambo... It was hard to keep up with all of it, and my head is still spinning. It was fun, and I guess that is all one could ask for. Oh yea, and a positive pregnancy test in about a week, and a happy and healthy 9 months. Yea, those too please!

I am unbelievably worn out from the weekend, and only wish to read my books in peace. But I told myself I would clean the floors tonight. I must do at least that. I will try my hardest to accomplish one cleaning task a day. Hopefully my strategy will work. That, and I need to cook at home more. I have been pretty lax about it, and it is showing on my waist line.

I am trying not to obsess over possibly being pregnant right now. Lord knows I want to call all of my girlfriends right now and speculate with them. But I refrain. I need to keep my emotions clamped down. Because I know 4 days past ovulation will give me nothing but a negative test. Even if I did get a positive right now, by some miracle, I have a great chance of having a chemical pregnancy. Why would I want to put myself on that high, just to crash through the floor? I don't, and I won't. I will wait. Impatiently of course.

But in the back of my mind, I am chanting "This is it! THIS IS IT!" I guess because of the Clomid, the OPK's, and the PreSeed, I am almost expecting the results to fall in my favor. But everyone knows Mother Nature has plans that are not my own. But I am still thinking of creative ways to tell my parents, my sister, and my husband. But I will think of some brilliant idea that will go out the window the minute I see them because lord knows I will be a bundle of nerves, and excitement. I will be crying alot.

I have also been thinking about how to announce it to the rest of the world, and who will get the news first beyond my husband and I. My sister, sister in law, both mothers, and of course my dad. My best friend, his best friend. Various cousins and friends... Oh my. Well I believe I may want to be selfish for a couple of days. I want to absorb it, and keep it to myself, to enjoy. Of course Steve might ask whats up when I refuse to smoke. I am pretty sure that once I see that positive test in my hands, I will go into emotional over load and my need to calm myself. Or I will lose my mind and run out and buy a crib and all the stuff to decorate a baby's room! Gah! The craziness I see myself doing is endless.

I just need to calm myself, and not get my hopes too high. That is pretty darn tough, but I think I can manage it. I just need to distract my self. Maybe if I plan it right, I will have a very clean house by the time I get to testing day! My house sure could use it!