Am I being ruled by hormones? I know the answer. You don’t have to tell me. It was a rhetorical question. Is it normal? My studies on the web say yes. Numerous women are in the same boat I am. We are over run by emotions, and not one of us has it totally under control. I think that is what some men do not understand. (my husband included) He likes to look at everything from a scientific standpoint, so maybe that is how I will get through to him.
But statistics and sheer numbers alone will not do. No, I will need graphical models, DNA sequences, the properties of the specific hormones, and how they affect my body. Basically, I need an anatomy class. Then as clinically as I can, I need to explain that my body’s will to have children is something embedded into my DNA and not just some fantasy I have whipped up in my head.
To be completely realistic, it is hormones and my imagination. I want a family for both reasons. I know that it is my human right to have children, and I also know that it will be wonderful. I don’t live in perfect land either. I am scared out of my mind that I will end up being a bad mother. I know it is a challenge to raise children, and a financial burden too. Our life is almost perfect. We have a loving relationship, a nice house, two solid incomes, and supportive family. That is 80% more than many parents provide for their children.
But the biggest issue yet, is to prove that a child would not destroy everything we have done for our lives so far. Yes we have bills, yes we need a new roof, but all of that is necessary. It will always be that way. What he asks for is not financial peace of mind, because unless we sell our home we will have none. A house takes constant maintenance. If we replace the roof this year, then something else will come up next. The air conditioner will need to be replaced, the stove will go out, the fridge will give out.
These are unavoidable events that you keep money aside for. Just as fast as our savings goes up, it will go down. We will always have bills as we do now. One thing or another. But he sees the roof caving in right now. He sees us eating hot dogs for the rest of our lives unless we can pay off a car right now. It will ruin us in his eyes. He doesn’t say as much, but I know it from the picture he paints.
That is why I want to see a therapist with him. Maybe we can both get over our fears. My fear of not being able to have children if we wait much longer, and his fear of losing our carefully built lives. I will be disappointed if the therapist chooses a side to argue from instead of both. That is my biggest fear. I especially do not want my husband to feel ganged up on. That is one of the main reasons I chose a male doctor instead of a female. It is all about his comfort. I want us to work, and I want to have children sooner than later.
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